Chapter Two | Your Daughter’s Friends Shouldn’t Be Raising Her: Girls Need Women Who Can See Their Deeper Desires

Our next article focuses on menarche, but as girls approach adolescence, they are entering a time when they need to know they can turn to us with vulnerability.

If they do not know they can turn to us—whether because of busyness, resentment, or because we have not created intentional safe spaces for conversation—they are more likely to turn to a girl at school who is willing to talk about questions they have about their bodies.

And if all they ever hear from us are things like, “Don't get pregnant,” or “Don't eat sugar,” while they are experiencing real desires for love, beauty, belonging, and understanding, they may be more likely to turn to people who seem to fulfill those desires instead of turning to us, who were never given the space to show them the fullness of their desires.

Girls need more than just their parents to turn to. They need examples of other women who are happy and radiant while respecting their own worth and dignity.

As teenagers, girls may see their parents' brokenness more clearly and may be less compelled by their parents' words. They may instead be drawn to other women in their lives—even grandmothers—who live out their desires while also holding their deepest dignity and worth in their hearts.

One discussion of Leonard Sax's book quotes his recommendation very specifically:

"The right kind of community involves girls learning from women their mother's age and their grandmother's age"

He argues that older women can give a girl a mature context and perspective that another girl her age cannot provide.

Think about what adolescence does to a girl's social world. Her peers are going through the same things:

• puberty

• changing bodies

• friendship drama

• romantic interest

• social status

• identity formation

• comparison

• anxiety about appearance

• questions about the future

That is why peers are incredibly important. But there is a problem if peers become the only source of interpretation.

An adolescent girl can tell another adolescent girl:

“Everyone hates me.”

And the second girl may say:

“I know. Everyone hates me too.”

Now you have two people reinforcing the same interpretation.

An older woman can potentially say:

“I remember feeling exactly that way when I was your age. It felt enormous at the time. But it wasn't the whole story.”

This Week's Call to Action

Ask an older woman in your family or community to share a story with your daughter about what she believed when she was her age. Give your daughter a safe space to ask questions and let the older woman share honestly about what she has learned.

Next week, we will look at the research behind intergenerational relationships and how this kind of community benefits older women just as much as it benefits young girls.